Let Eternity Feel Heavy!

Wow. These last few weeks have been heavy.  This last week/weekend in particular.  I feel like the Lord is doing all sorts of things in my heart and I'm just trying to process it all so that I can work through what that means practically for me as I seek to serve him.  So the purpose of this post is really just to work through/process my thoughts - and I can't promise any helpful nuggets of wisdom, but can just say this is me, doing real life, wrestling through real things.  No filter here people, and no editing.  So, here goes...

Since the If:gathering in February, I've been praying that the concept of eternity would weigh heavy on me.  When I think about heaven and eternity, it often feels like this far off thing that I brush off.  But let me tell you, God is answering that prayer and the understanding of eternity and the implications of it have never felt so heavy on me in my entire life.

A few weeks ago, a dear friend lost a loved one, and my family mourned her loss with her.  She is not a believer, and as I prayed for her each day, I wondered how she continued to have hope.  How did she continue to move forward each day?  The weekend that I heard about this, at church we sang the song "Nothing But the Blood."

1. What can wash away my sin?
   Nothing but the blood of Jesus;
   What can make me whole again?
   Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
   • Refrain:
     Oh! precious is the flow
     That makes me white as snow;
     No other fount I know,
     Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
2. For my pardon, this I see,
   Nothing but the blood of Jesus;
   For my cleansing this my plea,
   Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
3. Nothing can for sin atone,
   Nothing but the blood of Jesus;
   Naught of good that I have done,
   Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
4. This is all my hope and peace,
   Nothing but the blood of Jesus;
   This is all my righteousness,
   Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
5. As we sang these words, I was moved to tears.  I felt this joy in me- knowing I live in this broken, sinful world where tragedies happen every day, and knowing the reality that it won't always be like this.  There will come a day when I get to look into the eyes of Jesus and sing his praises in a kingdom that can't be shaken.  Forever.  For eternity.  And then it hit me- big time.  This is not the reality for a lot of people.  For many  people, they will spend an eternity living under guilt and condemnation.  Forever.  For ETERNITY.  As I thought about my friend, the reality hit me even harder.  She had no one to put her hope in after this loss.  And currently, has nothing to look forward to if she doesn't turn away from sin and put her hope in Jesus.  An ETERNITY!  Is this beginning to feel heavier on you?  
6. I started reading a book this week, called "Anything" by Jennie Allen.  This book is totally wrecking me.  She and her husband started to pray "God, we will do anything."  At first, I was all in.  Yes!  God, my hands are open!  I will do ANYTHING for you!  And then I started to think of the implications of that.  In the book, she talks about Job.  Job feared God more than anyone else in his time, and literally everything was taken from him.  His home.  His family.  Everything.  He literally only had God.  That was it.  And then that prayer started to scare me.  Am I willing to give up everything?  What if something were to happen to my family?  What if we weren't in a safe, comfortable home?  What if something happened to my healthy, functioning body?  Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night and thought, "What if I woke up and couldn't hear anything?"  Would I still be willing to do anything?  Would I still be willing to give up everything in those circumstances?  I'm still wrestling with these ideas, but here is the conclusion I'm starting to come to... everything I have is his.  Everything was given to me by him.  He has already numbered my days.  He has already paid the price for me.  If that is true, if I know the end, and I know that I will get to rest in eternity with the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE, then what is keeping me from living a more dangerous, surrendered life now?  There are many people who are facing the reality of an eternity in hell.  If I know the end, how could I possibly keep this to myself?  It's the most hateful thing I could possibly do.  

Yesterday, I went to a women's conference at my church, and the conference was focused on 20 verses in scripture that declar e who we are because of what Christ did for us, and what we are called to do as a result of those declarations.  I left feeling so encouraged by who God says that I am, but also left thinking, "this is amazing- for me.  For those in Christ." ANd then I felt heavy.  Heavy because these truths are glorious and beautiful for those in Christ, but what about everyone else?  For those not in Christ?  I felt such sadness come over me, again feeling the weight of the eternal implications for this world.  Why am I not fighting harder for God's kingdom here??

And then some friends came over last night.  Friends that I knew before I knew Jesus.  They are amazing people, and were great friends to me, but the Erin that they knew was different.  I was no longer the girl that went out to the bar every night with my friends, the friend who so despearately longed to feel loved and belonged, that she would drink so that others would see her as funny and endearing, all the while being able to blame the mistakes she made that night on that extra shot of tequila.  The girl who worked hard to build her resume, extracurricular involvement, and successes, so that she would find purpose in being successful.  The girl who would cry in bathroom stalls because she was so desperate to be filled, but everything just felt fleeting and empty.  A couple of times during dinner, when I would make a joke or do something sort of silly, they would say "Now that's the Erin we know.  We knew she was in there somewhere."  When they left, I shared with my husband how those words had hurt me.  And in that moment, he spoke truth into my heart that I needed to be reminded of.  They are seeing a transformed Erin.  And yes, of course she is different from the Erin they used to know.  Because what used to be empty is now full.  The many empty longings were now filled with completeness in a newly created spirit by the blood of Jesus.  I was reminded of the "old Erin," and many of the moments that they saw back before I knew Him.  And instantly, I felt overjoyed and thankful.  "Thank you Jesus, for rescuing me.  Thank you so, so much. Thank you that I have real hope, and thank you that I am completely free and loved by you." 

Then this morning, our pastor preached on the last chapter of Daniel.  And the last words of Daniel are this: “But go your way till the end. And you shall rest and shall stand in your allotted place at the end of the days.”

‭‭Daniel‬ ‭12:13‬ ‭ESV‬‬

 And literally, he preached the same thing I've been wrestling with in my heart all week: I know the end.  I know what God has promised me.  And since I know what's coming at the end, it should totally change how I live today.  I left again thinking, "This is true for me- but what about everybody else?"  So my prayer is this: God, I will do anything.  Everything that is mine was given to me by you, and everything is yours.  Now that I'm beginning to grasp the weight of eternity (beginning to- I know that I will never fully grasp it until I'm there!), help me to show others the weight of eternity.  Help me to portray to others the implications of eternity, and what's at stake if they don't put their hope in you Jesus.  Show me how to do this.  And show me who.  Let me live a life of reckless abandon to you, God.  Let me be your hands, that are in this world solely to make an impact on your kingdom, Lord.