Let Eternity Feel Heavy!

Wow. These last few weeks have been heavy.  This last week/weekend in particular.  I feel like the Lord is doing all sorts of things in my heart and I'm just trying to process it all so that I can work through what that means practically for me as I seek to serve him.  So the purpose of this post is really just to work through/process my thoughts - and I can't promise any helpful nuggets of wisdom, but can just say this is me, doing real life, wrestling through real things.  No filter here people, and no editing.  So, here goes...

Since the If:gathering in February, I've been praying that the concept of eternity would weigh heavy on me.  When I think about heaven and eternity, it often feels like this far off thing that I brush off.  But let me tell you, God is answering that prayer and the understanding of eternity and the implications of it have never felt so heavy on me in my entire life.

A few weeks ago, a dear friend lost a loved one, and my family mourned her loss with her.  She is not a believer, and as I prayed for her each day, I wondered how she continued to have hope.  How did she continue to move forward each day?  The weekend that I heard about this, at church we sang the song "Nothing But the Blood."

1. What can wash away my sin?
   Nothing but the blood of Jesus;
   What can make me whole again?
   Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
   • Refrain:
     Oh! precious is the flow
     That makes me white as snow;
     No other fount I know,
     Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
2. For my pardon, this I see,
   Nothing but the blood of Jesus;
   For my cleansing this my plea,
   Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
3. Nothing can for sin atone,
   Nothing but the blood of Jesus;
   Naught of good that I have done,
   Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
4. This is all my hope and peace,
   Nothing but the blood of Jesus;
   This is all my righteousness,
   Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
5. As we sang these words, I was moved to tears.  I felt this joy in me- knowing I live in this broken, sinful world where tragedies happen every day, and knowing the reality that it won't always be like this.  There will come a day when I get to look into the eyes of Jesus and sing his praises in a kingdom that can't be shaken.  Forever.  For eternity.  And then it hit me- big time.  This is not the reality for a lot of people.  For many  people, they will spend an eternity living under guilt and condemnation.  Forever.  For ETERNITY.  As I thought about my friend, the reality hit me even harder.  She had no one to put her hope in after this loss.  And currently, has nothing to look forward to if she doesn't turn away from sin and put her hope in Jesus.  An ETERNITY!  Is this beginning to feel heavier on you?  
6. I started reading a book this week, called "Anything" by Jennie Allen.  This book is totally wrecking me.  She and her husband started to pray "God, we will do anything."  At first, I was all in.  Yes!  God, my hands are open!  I will do ANYTHING for you!  And then I started to think of the implications of that.  In the book, she talks about Job.  Job feared God more than anyone else in his time, and literally everything was taken from him.  His home.  His family.  Everything.  He literally only had God.  That was it.  And then that prayer started to scare me.  Am I willing to give up everything?  What if something were to happen to my family?  What if we weren't in a safe, comfortable home?  What if something happened to my healthy, functioning body?  Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night and thought, "What if I woke up and couldn't hear anything?"  Would I still be willing to do anything?  Would I still be willing to give up everything in those circumstances?  I'm still wrestling with these ideas, but here is the conclusion I'm starting to come to... everything I have is his.  Everything was given to me by him.  He has already numbered my days.  He has already paid the price for me.  If that is true, if I know the end, and I know that I will get to rest in eternity with the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE, then what is keeping me from living a more dangerous, surrendered life now?  There are many people who are facing the reality of an eternity in hell.  If I know the end, how could I possibly keep this to myself?  It's the most hateful thing I could possibly do.  

Yesterday, I went to a women's conference at my church, and the conference was focused on 20 verses in scripture that declar e who we are because of what Christ did for us, and what we are called to do as a result of those declarations.  I left feeling so encouraged by who God says that I am, but also left thinking, "this is amazing- for me.  For those in Christ." ANd then I felt heavy.  Heavy because these truths are glorious and beautiful for those in Christ, but what about everyone else?  For those not in Christ?  I felt such sadness come over me, again feeling the weight of the eternal implications for this world.  Why am I not fighting harder for God's kingdom here??

And then some friends came over last night.  Friends that I knew before I knew Jesus.  They are amazing people, and were great friends to me, but the Erin that they knew was different.  I was no longer the girl that went out to the bar every night with my friends, the friend who so despearately longed to feel loved and belonged, that she would drink so that others would see her as funny and endearing, all the while being able to blame the mistakes she made that night on that extra shot of tequila.  The girl who worked hard to build her resume, extracurricular involvement, and successes, so that she would find purpose in being successful.  The girl who would cry in bathroom stalls because she was so desperate to be filled, but everything just felt fleeting and empty.  A couple of times during dinner, when I would make a joke or do something sort of silly, they would say "Now that's the Erin we know.  We knew she was in there somewhere."  When they left, I shared with my husband how those words had hurt me.  And in that moment, he spoke truth into my heart that I needed to be reminded of.  They are seeing a transformed Erin.  And yes, of course she is different from the Erin they used to know.  Because what used to be empty is now full.  The many empty longings were now filled with completeness in a newly created spirit by the blood of Jesus.  I was reminded of the "old Erin," and many of the moments that they saw back before I knew Him.  And instantly, I felt overjoyed and thankful.  "Thank you Jesus, for rescuing me.  Thank you so, so much. Thank you that I have real hope, and thank you that I am completely free and loved by you." 

Then this morning, our pastor preached on the last chapter of Daniel.  And the last words of Daniel are this: “But go your way till the end. And you shall rest and shall stand in your allotted place at the end of the days.”

‭‭Daniel‬ ‭12:13‬ ‭ESV‬‬

 And literally, he preached the same thing I've been wrestling with in my heart all week: I know the end.  I know what God has promised me.  And since I know what's coming at the end, it should totally change how I live today.  I left again thinking, "This is true for me- but what about everybody else?"  So my prayer is this: God, I will do anything.  Everything that is mine was given to me by you, and everything is yours.  Now that I'm beginning to grasp the weight of eternity (beginning to- I know that I will never fully grasp it until I'm there!), help me to show others the weight of eternity.  Help me to portray to others the implications of eternity, and what's at stake if they don't put their hope in you Jesus.  Show me how to do this.  And show me who.  Let me live a life of reckless abandon to you, God.  Let me be your hands, that are in this world solely to make an impact on your kingdom, Lord.

Prioritizing Time

As a new mom of twin infants, I've spent a lot of time navigating how to use the little free time I have well.  Being a stay at home mom can sometimes be a lonely job, so I've realized it is so important to be intentional with my time so that when I do have a few free minutes, I'm doing what is life giving AND what is needed to get done.  I'm learning that time is a choice, and I can say that I don't have time to do certain things, but the fact of the matter is- I DO have time, I just have to choose how I use it.  So, how did I begin prioritizing my time?

First, I made a few lists:

1) What I need for my own heart/ What gives me life: For me, I realized how much my heart needed to sink into the Word each day.  This was my number one must.  To love my family well and to stay grounded in what is true, I need the Word of God to penetrate my heart.
2) What needs to get done at home for our family: This includes the daily chores that keep the family running- for me it includes pumping, going to the grocery store, laundry, making dinner, cleaning dishes, etc.
3) What would be nice to do: For me, it's little projects that I want to do, but aren't required.  Like organizing that pile of papers on my desk - if I don't get it done this week, everyone will live, but if I have a few extra minutes, it'd be a good thing to tackle.

Once I made these lists, I thought about my typical day, and asked myself, "What is the most practical way to fit these priorities into the little free time that I have?"  Well, my girls nap 3 times each day (if the day is going as planned), so the first morning nap, I decided to put aside to be in the Word.  To have that as my first priority in the day grounds me and allows me to meditate on those truths throughout the day.  During the second nap, I shower and start house chores.  During the final nap, I do any remaining chores, and then use any leftover time to either tackle list 3, or do something else that's life giving (write, journal, call a friend, etc).

I hope this helps you.   It may seem sort of basic, but I've found that taking time to do this has really allowed me to live my day with more intention, which has allowed me to be a better wife, mom, and friend to the people who matter most to me.  If finding time to do the things that matter has been hard for you, I'd encourage you to put aside some time to think through what's on your lists, and where you can fit them into your day.  It may seem overwhelming at first, but as you work through this exercise, I pray that it will actually feel really freeing, like it did for me.

Joy and Peace.

Choosing the Good Portion

Something I've really struggled with both before being a mom and even more so as a mom, is the enemy of comparison.  Recently, I had a friend who stayed in our home for a day.  Part of me felt this need to shift my schedule.  The person who was staying with us is an incredibly productive, hard working person.  I've finally gotten into a groove with my girls' nap time (at least during this season), and during their first nap time, I spend being in the Word.  Friends, let me tell you, it is without a doubt the best use of my time.  It is literally the most important thing I can do to be the woman, the wife, the mother, the friend that God has called me to be.  To ground myself in his truth so that I can spend the day meditating on what God says is true about himself, and about myself.  While the friend was here, I found myself questioning this time each morning.  "Will this person judge me?  Think I'm lazy?  Unproductive?  A poor steward of my time?  I know there are dishes, and laundry, and dozens of other chores to be done, and here I am, sitting in my chair reading."  And then God spoke some truth into my heart.  His spirit led me to look at this scripture:

38 Now as they went on their way, Jesus[a] entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. 39 And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. 40 But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” 41 But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, 42 but one thing is necessary.[b] Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.

Luke 10:38-42

That last sentence really hit me.  "Mary has chosen the GOOD portion."  Here's Martha, running around, serving Jesus, anxious about getting things done, and Mary is literally sitting at Jesus' feet listening to him.  Anyone else like Martha?  Worried about getting things done, appearing to be productive and serving?  And Jesus is seeing that Mary, who is sitting at his feet, is choosing what is good.  When I choose to sit at his feet and listen, I am choosing the good portion.  I am literally doing the best thing I could possibly do.  The posture of my heart is so much more important than the appearance of my home.  And so if I am judged or considered unproductive because of it, that's okay, because in my heart, I know that Jesus is saying "You are choosing the good portion."

Naming My Fears

Friends.  Good morning.  I'm laughing a little bit at myself, because I address all of these posts to "Mamas," and "friends," but I have not shared this blog with a single person.  I mean, maybe someone on the Internet will stumble upon it if they're looking hard, but the point is, I'm writing all of these posts because I feel like the Lord is stirring it in my heart, but I'm also too scared to take the next step of sharing it.  It means being vulnerable.  It means other people reading and judging my writing.  I sometimes don't even think it's worthy of reading, but I know that that's a lie of the enemy, so I need to go ahead and show him that he picked the wrong girl to mess with.  So here goes.

Over the last few months, God has been stirring in me a desire to minister to women, particularly young and new mamas.  I was telling my husband the other day that it keeps coming back, and I keep thinking about it, but I feel like yesterday was the first day I actually decided to sit down and pray about it.  It's amazing what happens when we shift from thinking about something to praying, and asking the Holy Spirit to intercede in it.  A few things happened:

1.  God asked me to take things SLOW.  When I get excited about an idea, I have a tendency to jump right in and try to find a way to make it happen immediately, but then it lacks thoughtfulness, prayer, and intentionality.  This one, he asked me to take slow.  Baby steps.  Really, Lord?  But I want to do something about this NOW!  Nope, take it slow, plant seeds and let's grow this slowly.  Oof.  Okay.  But I know there's a few small steps I can take.  And I'm writing these for my own accountability: 1) Actually share this blog with someone.  Let someone into it. 2) Ask a few people to join in prayer with me over this.  3) Consistently write on this blog.  What about?  I'm not sure yet, but just start writing and see where the Lord leads.

2. I found myself saying, "Lord, I'm not equipped.  I don't have enough knowledge, I don't know enough people, I really don't even know what you want me to do here."  His response was this: "I do extraordinary things with ordinary people"- and specifically he put the story of Exodus on my heart.  So I'm going to start studying that.  Wanna join me?  Who am I kidding, no one is actually reading this!

Okay, that's all for now.  But I think there's a lot of power in naming our fears, saying no to them in the name of Jesus, and then talking through how to move forward and face them.  I hope this encourages you to do the same.

Grace and Peace.

The Glory Train

This morning I was reading Matthew 6:14-16, following along with the IF: EQUIP bible study (A great, FREE bible study for women who don't have a ton of time, but want to get into the word each day!).   And man, it was so good.

The scripture is this:

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.”

As I was processing this, I looked up the Greek definition for the word glory.

Glory: valuing God for who He really is, or personally acknowledging the character of God.

Man.  That's intense.  And awesome.  And so I started to ask myself instead of saying, "how am I bring glory to God today," what if I asked, "How am I personally acknowledging the character of God?"  For some reason, the question became easier and more practical for me to answer.  It made me begin thinking about the many attributes of God, and to ask "how am I showing and acknowledging the character and attributes of God to others in my day?  How am I being a light in the darkness?"

A few months ago, I read a book called "Practicing Affirmation," by Sam Crabtree (highly recommend!).  The idea of the book was to affirm people specifically on the attributes of God that they were displaying.  For example, "I appreciate how neat your room is- God is a God of order, and your attention to your room reflects his orderliness."  It talks a lot about not just complimenting someone to compliment them ("Your shirt is so cute!"), but affirming in them ways that they bear the image of God.  So what am I getting at?  Look for the attributes you and others around you are displaying that reflect the character of God.  As you use, recognize, and affirm those attributes, you are personally acknowledging the character of God, or glorifying him.  I hope this encourages you today the way it encouraged me.

Grace and Peace, Friends.

He is for you.

Mamas. Whether you are sitting and reading during a quiet nap time, or barely keeping your eyes open from a sleepless night, I just want to offer a little encouragement: Jesus is FOR you.  In all of those moments- the easy days where your kiddos are predictable and on schedule, and the days where they are crying and totally wrecking what you had in mind.  Jesus is FOR YOU.  It's in those moments where he meets us the most.  I find myself going through 2 different extremes- some days, my daughters are fun, predictable, and great nappers.  On those days, I feel encouraged, completely in control, and sometimes not really even feeling the need for Jesus.  On the other days- the days where they go on nap strikes, or are sick, upset, and unpredictable, I feel desperately in need of Jesus, but in those moments of frustration, I just want to be angry and feel sorry for myself.  Mamas, he meets you in both of those places, and he is for you.  His gospel is true on both types of days and his grace is freely offered to you.  May you find rest in the truth that Jesus is for you, and he is for your kids.  His grace is sufficient in your weakness.

You are Enough, Mama!

"Comparison is the thief of joy." This phrase rings true frequently in my life, and even more so now as a mom.  There are lots of things they say moms should do.  Read the books, the websites, listen to the speakers.  You're supposed to breastfeed.  And talk to them all of the time.  And follow baby wise.   And ya da ya da ya da! I often find that when I read books for information, I close the book feeling discouraged. "Dang it, I'm not doing that, either.  I'm not doing enough.  I'm not enough."  

Over the last few days, I've had a few conversations with other mama friends and let me tell you, they  were freeing.  I began to see that in reality, none of us really have it all together.  We're really all just trying our best to do what we can to nurture and love our little babes.  And that is beautiful.  The grace of motherhood is beautiful.  I don't have it all together, and I don't have to.  I don't breastfeed my babes, and that's okay.  I don't always get a shower in, have the dishes washed, and dinner ready when my husband's home, and that's okay.  I don't have to be reading books to my girls every minute they are awake, and that's okay.  I'm learning to stop feeling like I have to be the mom that other moms are, and that God has uniquely created and gifted me to be a mom.  I can be the mom God has created ME to be, not the mom he has created other women to be.  I don't have to keep comparing, I can rest in the truth that Jesus has equipped me just as I am to take care of my daughters.  And I can also rest in knowing that I will have moments where I fail, but Jesus will not, and by his grace, I can be the mom he has created me to be.  Mamas, rest in knowing that you are equipped and enough just as you are, and that in the moments where you mess up, Jesus steps in and pours grace over you.